Ways YOU May Be Keeping the Argument Going

Your teen may be starting some of these arguments, but Mom, you might be the one keeping them going.

Your middle schooler may be starting some of the arguments in your house, but friend, you might be the one helping keep them going. I know. Nobody wants to hear that. But think about the last argument you had with your child. At what point had you already made your point, but you just kept going?

You gave a direction. Your child pushed back. You responded to the pushback. They responded to your response, and then you responded to that response. Somewhere along the way, “Clean your room” became “You don't talk to me like that!” and now the room isn't even the issue anymore. Eventually, you're standing there thinking, Why won't this child just stop arguing with me?

But there's another question I want you to consider: Have you stopped participating in the argument?

That isn't about blaming you. Your child's behavior is still their responsibility. But research on parent-adolescent conflict tells us that these interactions can become reciprocal. Your child influences your response, your response influences theirs, and negative emotions can begin moving back and forth between the two of you. Recognizing your contribution isn't the same as taking the blame. It's recognizing where you have power. And sometimes, while we're trying desperately to put the argument out, we're accidentally adding a little FUEL to the fire.

F- Follow Their Intensity

We sometimes call this “matching energy.” Your child gets loud, so you get loud. They get an attitude, and suddenly you've got one too. I understand why it happens. Your child snaps at you, and immediately something in you says, Oh, absolutely not. You're not going to talk to me like that.

Should your child be snapping at you? No. Should you expect respectful behavior? Absolutely. But holding an expectation and matching your child's escalation are two completely different things. This is one of the easiest patterns to slip into because it happens so quickly. We're trying to correct the behavior, but before we realize it, we're reciprocating the very behavior we're trying to stop.

When you feel yourself rising with them, ask yourself, “Am I responding to the issue, or am I reacting to their intensity?” You don't have to match your child's energy to maintain your authority.

U- Use Too Many Words

Sometimes we explain because we genuinely want our children to understand why we've made a decision. Then they disagree, so we explain again. They challenge the explanation, and now we're explaining our explanation. Before we know it, we're giving an entire TED Talk about why somebody needs to unload the dishwasher.

I had to learn this with my oldest son. There were times when I could literally see the moment he checked out. He had gotten really good at the “Yes, ma'am,” “No, ma'am,” and head nod, but I could see that glazed-over look on his face. And what was I doing? Still talking. Still explaining. Still using more words.

Eventually, I realized it wasn't working. Instead of giving him another dissertation, I started asking questions. I stopped doing all of the talking and required him to participate in the conversation. He hated it. Let me make that very clear. But once he realized Mom wasn't going to do all the talking, he had to think about what we were discussing. He had to process the question and formulate a response instead of simply waiting for my lecture to end. That shift helped our relationship tremendously.

Your child understanding your reasoning and your child agreeing with your reasoning are not the same thing. Sometimes you've already said enough. When you find yourself explaining the same decision for the third or fourth time, ask, “Have I already said what actually needed to be said?”

E- Engage Every Challenge

Maybe you aren't giving TED Talks. Maybe your issue is that you respond to everything. Your child challenges one detail, and you answer it. They make a side comment, and you correct it. They say, “You always do this!” and now you're defending the word always. They roll their eyes, and you immediately respond, “Don't you roll your eyes at me!” Just like that, you've completely forgotten that this entire interaction started because you asked them to pick something up off the coffee table.

Friend, not everything requires an immediate response. That doesn't mean we're dismissing disrespectful behavior. It means you get to decide whether something needs to be addressed right now.

My husband and I have weekly sit-downs with our children. Our conversations with our seven-year-old look very different from the conversations with our seventeen-year-old, but those meetings give us a place to address patterns we're noticing without trying to tackle everything in the heat of an argument. The eye roll can be addressed later. The huffing and puffing can be addressed later. In fact, sometimes waiting allows you to address the behavior much more effectively because you're no longer trying to teach a lesson while everyone is emotionally charged.

Before responding to every comment your middle schooler throws your way, ask yourself, “Does this actually require a response right now?” You don't have to accept every invitation to argue.

L- Load Today With Yesterday

This one can get away from us quickly. It starts with, “Take the trash out.” Five minutes later, we're talking about yesterday's trash, the messy bedroom, the attitude from Saturday, the missing assignment, the email from the teacher, and everything else this child has done wrong. Your five-minute disagreement has officially turned into a documentary series.

Sometimes today's behavior really is part of a larger pattern, and I'm not suggesting that you ignore it. But every past problem doesn't need to enter today's disagreement. Those weekly family conversations I mentioned earlier are one of the ways we handle this in our home. If I'm noticing a pattern, I can bring it up intentionally instead of storing frustration until the next argument and unloading the entire file.

Those conversations also give me the opportunity to communicate something I think our kids desperately need to understand: These are things you've done. They are not who you are. When we repeatedly pull yesterday's mistakes into today's conflict, our children can begin to feel as though we're keeping score. Think about your own relationships. Nobody wants to feel as though the person they love is maintaining a running tally of everything they've ever done wrong.

So when an argument begins expanding beyond the issue in front of you, ask yourself, “Am I addressing what's happening today, or are we arguing about history?”

So, What's Your FUEL?

Are you following their intensity? Using too many words? Engaging every challenge? Loading today with yesterday? Maybe you read all four and thought, Tamara, it's all of them. Trust me, I get it. I consider myself a recovering “follow their intensity” parent.

The goal isn't to read this article, identify four things you're doing wrong, and spend the rest of the day beating yourself up about your parenting. That's not useful. The goal is awareness because awareness gives you somewhere to begin.

This week, choose one FUEL behavior that made you think, Ooooh...that's me. Don't even try to fix it yet. Get curious about it. When does it happen? What tends to happen immediately before it? How do you respond? What does your child do next? Pay attention to the pattern before you try to overhaul the interaction.

Your middle schooler is growing and changing right in front of you, and you're learning how to parent this version of your child while they're learning how to become this version of themselves.

Preserving your relationship doesn't mean eliminating boundaries, expectations, or accountability. It means becoming intentional about how you hold those boundaries when conflict shows up.

Because owning your part doesn't mean taking all the blame. It means recognizing where you have the power to make a difference.